Along with millions of people around the world, I watched in horror/disbelief as Donald Trump became President Elect over the flaxen haired powerhouse that is Hillary Rodham Clinton.
Was this election directed by M Night Shyamalan?
Not only were these results an unexpected and shitty plot twist, but much like his films, the past fifteen months following this election have been a giant waste of time. Can someone please give me back my faith in humanity or at least refund me the price of a general admissions movie ticket and jumbo size popcorn and drink?
I’m emotionally exhausted, and I’m not even American. I get to watch from my Northern ice throne in Canada and silently weep for all that could have been! I spent the rest of my week sitting at my desk in some kind of trance waiting to be woken up from a horrible dream. After two days of emotional distress, I woke up with a wicked bad cold, which I not so dramatically interpreted as a suicide attempt by my immune system to take me away from a world where reality stars can be leader of the free world.
I won’t stand on my bedazzled soap box and preach to you about how this election was the first sign of the apocalypse, but I will say that I’ve created a list of reality stars I would much rather have seen become President of the United States:
1. Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi
Yes, I would rather have had Snooki as the first female President than live in a world where a 70 year old George Hamilton wannabe (millennials you may need to Google that reference) can get his pervy self tanner paws all over the White House. Nicole is a married mother of two, who has had her run ins with the law , but has come out the other side and transformed herself into a beautiful, albeit miniature butterfly.
2. Justin Guarini
A name you never thought you’d hear from again. That’s right, I think the first runner up from the now cancelled American Idol, should have come out of obscurity and been named POTUS. America loves a comeback, and with Ryan Seacrest announcing the election results as some kind of full circle moment. It would have been moving. It would have been moving as hell.
3. Kris Jenner
If Kris Jenner can make her uneducated litter of children millionaires, she can turn America’s economy around. Sure, most of the jobs she’ll create will probably be social media related, but who really cares at this point. President Jenner would make hair extensions and Botox a necessity for men and women across this great land, and would strengthen foreign relations by having her daughters appear at nightclubs in Mosul. Just think about it – Jenner 20/20.
4. Tom Bergeron
To be honest, I don’t really see the appeal in the Dancing With the Stars host, but I also don’t see the appeal of Donald Trump, so… What’s four years of Dad jokes compared to four years of a man systematically stripping women and minorities of their rights and citizenship? Come on, people. Let’s collectively pity laugh for President Bergeron and cha-cha-cha into the future!
5. Tori Spelling
Tori Spelling could use the money. With like, a million kids and another one on the way, Tori needs the work and the square footage that the White House provides. Plus, her husband Dean has a sex scandal in his past. That alone makes her qualified to rub elbows with the other philanderers in Washington. Politicians looooooove sex scandals (looking at you Weiner). Give Spelling a chance!
Who would you rather see as President than Donald J. Trump? I’m guessing it’s literally anyone else, but we want to hear from you!